Tis the Season for CHER-ing

After a brief hiatus *cough* a little bit of fabulousness came my way and sparked me into a full-on Courtasm.

You may be asking yourself, "Hmm, what could possibly be so fiercely fantastic that it would bring Ima out of the dark depths of real word despair and back into her neon world of pure glee?

Well, I'll tell you....

Why nothing more than receiving my very own CHER doll!!!!!!


Designed by Mr. Bob Mackie, replete with 1980s "Turn Back Time" body suit.

 Purple glitter? CHECK! Black leather? CHECK! Ass tattoo? DOUBLE CHECK!



I've dreamed of having this "little piece" of fabulousness since the "Gypsies, Tramps & Weed" episode of Will & Grace in 2000.

I don't blame you for being jealous.

Since I'm a giver, have a giggle on me with my favorite scene ever from Will & Grace. You're Welcome.

Pleasure Rating: If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time-I-Simply-Wouldn't-Because-Then-I-Wouldn't-Have-This-Amazing-Cher-Doll-Courtasm!

Gnutty for Gnorm the Gnome!

Ornamental lawn decorations have always held a special place in my heart. I view them as works of art that just bring a lawn to life. They have personality. They have color. They are conversation pieces. And they are often under appreciated when they should be regaled.

Not many people in my life, however, agree with me on this.

Then I took a trip to Baltimore. Talk about life throwing you a weather ball....

by Brad Samuelson

In the midst of the Baltimore Comic Con sat a table. With a gnome on it. I was drawn to this gnome and there it was:  a comic devoted to the hijinks of a delusional lawn gnome, a daschound and a PINK FLAMINGO!

Ima has a thing for Pink flamingos. And lawn gnomes. And delusional warriors.

As the Grass Grows is a webcomic written and drawn by Brad Samuelson detailing the adventures of Gnorm the gnome as he tries to protect his lawn from total annihilation. He has some help from Bob, the pink flamingo, and Jack, the dachshund. He even has an evil nemesis, Gned. It's funny, it's smart, and it's just plain cool.

You'd be Gnutty not to check it out.

Rating:A-talking-lawn-gnome-and-a-snarky-pink-flamingo-what's-gnot-to-love-Courtasm!

If you leave....wear this T-Shirt!

Sometimes you find out about things in life too late. They may be life lessons, truths or in my case.....really awesome t-shirts! Sigh. Although the shirt is now sold out, it was created and that's enough to make my blood rush and a smile come to my face!

If this were cave-men times, this shirt would contain the drawings that tell my life story....

www.dutchsouthern.com

Pleasure Rating: Duckie-Andy-Keith-Watson-Ferris-Wheeler-The-Geek-OH MY! I-want-you-so-bad-Courtasm!

Luco Brasi Sleeps with the....Waterhorses???!!!!

My father is a rather large Irish man who grew up with the Eye-talians and believes he is Vito Corleone. I've always listened to his stories of growing up with friends with connections, last names that all end with "ello, ini" and guys named "Paulie, Zito, and Crazy Ernie with the viking hat." These stories are par for the course and I never really get tired of them. It's my own personal Bronx Tale...but more like an "Orange Tale."

He grew up tough in a row house on Scotland Road in Orange with NJ Transit running through his backyard. He was known for fighting in high school and generally running with a rough crowd. As I grew up we bonded over mob culture, Goodfellas and gambling. At my wedding we danced to the "Godfather Waltz" and I pinned a red rose on his lapel.

So imagine my surprise when we were driving to Atlantic City earlier this week and he turns to me and says, "I saw a great movie. What a great movie this was." I waited anxiously, assuming it would have the regular cast of favorites--DeNiro, Pacino, Brando....and then he told me.

He kind of smiled behind his dark sunglasses, shook his head a little bit and said, "The Waterhorse."

"The Waterhorse?" I asked.                                                                          

"What a great movie," he said. "I DVR'd it."

He's come a long way from the streets, the trains, the fights and crazy ernie.





Pleasure Rating: The-waterhorse-is-just-like-the-greyhounds-of-course-he-loves-it-Courtasm Rant!

He's...like...so soulful. His eyes...like..are like fireworks.

This is the first time in a few years that I haven't had any fireworks to "ooohhhhh" and "aaaaahhhhh" over. I really think it would be unpatriotic of me if I didn't have something to watch, while dropping my mouth open in awe and exclaiming..."Oh, that's so beautiful! Oh, look at that one! Oh.My.God, Give it to me again!"

What? I really like fireworks.

I also really like angst-ridden, brooding television boys from the 90s and just happen to have the same reaction to these two that I do to fireworks. 


So welcome to Ima's 4th of July Spectacular!!

Ahhh, Trent Lane. Lead singer of Mystik Spiral. Brother of Jane. Only person to render Daria speechless. Definitely one of the swoon-worthy cartoon characters of my time. 

...and he was in a band!!!!!!

Then there is Jordan Catalano. "Huge events take place on this earth every day. Earthquakes, hurricanes, even glaciers move. So why couldn't he just look at me?"  Oh, but when he did  actually look.....fireworks.

...and he was in a band!!!!

Pleasure rating: I-keep-coloring-my-hair-red-so-that-Jordan-can-call-me-red-and-then-hold-my-hand-in-the-hallway-in-front-of-people-while-Trent-tries-to-turn-me-into-a-comic-like-in-the-A-Ha-video-Take-on-me-Courtasm!

A watermelon?! B*tch, Please. I wore a plate of spaghetti

The above references one of my pop culture daydreams where Daniel LaRusso meets Frances "Baby" Houseman and they discuss their most embarrassing "Johnny" stories. She'll tell him of her first time meeting Johnny and "carrying a watermelon," while he'll tell her about how his "Johnny" made him wear a plate of spaghetti and once beat him up when he dressed up as a shower to hide from him at the Halloween dance.

For those not following me, I'm referencing Dirty Dancing and The Karate Kid. The ORIGINAL Karate Kid. The Karate Kid that had Johnny Lawrence aka Billy Zabka aka my favorite blonde jock of all time.

While I have not seen the very unnecessary remake of my favorite "Newark boy goes to California, gets beat up by some Valley guys and then catches a fly with chopsticks" movie, I feel entitled enough to say it's not a real "Karate Kid" if there is no Billy Zabka as "Johnny Lawrence".

The original Cobra Kai will never die in my heart. So to the new, wannabe Karate Kid movie, I say

"Get him a body bag. YEAAHHHHH!"

Pleasure Rating: You-are-the-best-around-no-one's-ever-gonna-keep-you-down-Courtasm!

I don't think you are ready for this jelly...

Something very life affirming happened to me the other day. I discovered that I have a teen sidekick. Someone that wants to help keep me up to date on all current teen pop culture phenomenons.

This may not seem like a big deal to many of your readers, but understanding that I have a real interest in teen films and media and just generally being up on what's down (yes, that lameness is intentional), this pretty much validated my entire existence.

Thanks to Sheeza Punk, I am now in the know about the newest fad, craze and school currency....Silly Bandz. No, this doesn't refer to *Nsync or Backstreet boys...but rather to the evolution of plastic and jelly jewelry.

In the early 80s we had our plastic charms. You know you had them....records, skates, toothpaste bottles, tennis rackets, ghosts, lipsticks and anything the mind could imagine. 

Then, it was all about jelly bracelets and how many you could stuff on your arm.

Slap bracelets kind of brought it to a standstill...after kids were cutting themselves due to some faulty designs.

These were the trends of my day, but now Silly Bandz rule the scene. Really, they are jelly bracelets...but they come in so many shapes other than circle.

There are letters, animals and my favorite, princess shapes!

                                                    

Oh yeah, these bad girls also glow in the dark. Consider yourself schooled.

Pleasure Rating:
Why-can't-I-throw-anything-away-today-but-managed-to-throw-away-all-of-my-cool-childhood-toys-and-now-have-to-buy-that-childhood-back-through-ebay-at-inflation?-Courtasm!

You can call me Ms. Barbie if you're nasty...

The pink background and bows may lead you to believe otherwise, but I'm a Barbie broad. The blonde hair, the outfits, the shoes and the accessories! Pearl rings, diamond rings, hair clips, curling irons and later on pets, career items and so much more. While I stopped buying Barbies many years ago...I did keep the Barbie head around to do her hair when I was stressed in my post grad years and I perhaps more than hinted that when I became engaged to Heesa Mister I would appreciate getting my own "Bride Barbie" and I guess when I graduated college my friends gave me "Graduation Barbie," hmmm I'm sensing a pattern.

Either way, I do get a high from walking through the gender stereotyped pink aisles at Toys R Us. I can't help it. Barbie could be whatever she wanted, whether it was an astronaut or Coca Cola soda girl. For someone who has commitment issues, those neverending possibilities were just way too tempting.

An now, that temptation has returned. Forget hinting to others, I'm about to plop down some hard cold cash. I almost squealed out loud, much to Heester's dismay, when I saw the most amazing, shining beacon on the shelf at my local Target. Apparently, Mattel is reissuing Barbies of the 80s. There she was...in new packaging with collecters pieces...the 1985 Peaches 'n' Cream Barbie. Her beautiful scalloped, shiny white top with peach taffeta bottom and matching wrap. The hair combs were there. For a minute I was 6 again. Yes, Ima's going to be 30 this year, hence this need for Barbies.

Anyway, after doing some frantic research I found out that last year they also reissued the 1986 Barbie and the Rockers doll. I can't even believe I missed this.

I now know why we need to work as adults. We need adult money so we can buy our favorite childhood toys at more than double their cost. Ring me up!

Oh yeah, they are also doing a Ladies of the 80s line. Cyndi Lauper? Yes, please!

.

Pleasure Rating:
Get-me-an-80s-prom-dress-so-I-can-appropriately-toast-the-dolls-that-gave-me-so-much-pleasure.-No-not-those-dolls,-BARBIE-DOLLS!-Courtasm!

Malibu Broad-ie

Work can be overwhelming. Life can get demanding. There are times when even this broad just wants to turn out the lights, hide under the cover and let a wave of Sylvia Plath depression wash all over her. Fortunately for all of us, I always get the stove part wrong and end up eating some killer pizza skins and mozzarella sticks.

But I digress.

The moral of my little story? Screw depression and instead say hello to Malibu Rum and crazy Kokomo beats.

Never disappoints. Ever.

Pleasure Rating:

I-could-suck-the-shaft-on-this-bottle-all-day-long-and-still-lick-my-lips-for-more-this-really-is-the-sweet-nectar-of-the-Gods-Courtasm!

Happy Birthday, Nic Cage. Now Get In My Bed!

Oh, Nicolas Cage nee Coppola. While the recent years and movie choices have been interesting to say the least, you have been one of the most swoon-worthy actors of my time. Seriously. No one does angry, brooding and eccentric better than you.

You may have started out humbly as Brad's friend in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but you certainly graduated onto bigger and better roles.You sang your way into my heart as Charlie in Peggy Sue Got Married, were totally tripendicular in Valley Girl, and made me smile when you jumped out of a plane with a bunch of flying Elvi in Honeymoon in Vegas.

Glorious as they all are, it was your turn as Ronnie Cammareri in Moonstruck that resonated with me. For it was that role that taught me what love is and should be. It's not perfect and wrapped in a pretty red bow. No, it's messy. It ruins everything. It breaks your heart. And it's absolutely wonderful!

Pleasure Rating:
Get-out-the-dough-because-you-are-going-to-bake-some-bread-and-scream-about-how-you-aren't-a-monument-to-freakin'-justice-and-then-tell-me-to-get-in-your-bed-Courtasm!

Tender Years and Dark Sides: Eddie Lives?

It's pretty obvious that Eddie and the Cruisers are loosely based on Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band. Both are from New Jersey, both are fronted by brooding poets, both have kick-ass saxaphone players and both have lasting power. Sure, many will argue that only BRUUUUUCCCEEEE is king, but in the land of Courtasms, Eddie Wilson reigns supreme. Sure, Michael Pare didn't actually sing, but he sure looked good in those black shirts and jeans lipsynching to John Cafferty and the Brown Beaver Band. If you haven't seen it, give this movie a chance. It always satisfies and leaves you wanting to know more. Perhaps the sequel quenches that need for more, but I wouldn't know. For me, my tender years belong to the original Eddie and the Cruisers and the mystery that goes along with it...



Pleasure Rating:
Did-I-Just-See-What-I-Think-I-Just-Saw????-Courtasm!

Railroad Spikes and Dead Dolls. Much A-Dru About Nothing!

For years I was told Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a great show. I hedged because I enjoyed the Kristy Swanson movie and felt loyal to it. Well, that was pretty much stupid. LOGO marathoned Buffy this weekend and I caught a few episodes and now I'm fully infected. I blew the dust off my sister's copies of the entire series and it's been one Courtasm after another. Talk about a satisfying weekend! While there will be many mentions of how this series just brings glee into my life, I felt it fitting to start with the Courtasm that started it all....Drusilla and Spike. Yes, Buffy and Angel are breaking my heart...but Drusilla and Spike are picking up the pieces...

Drusilla: Do you love my insides, even the parts you can't see?

Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Pleasure Rating:
I-can't-stop-speaking-in-a-pouty-slow-british-accent-like-Drusilla-Courtasm!

Double the Corey, Double the fun!

There are some perks to hosting a NYE party, mainly gifts. Mainly the below gift. There is just something about welcoming in 2010 while screaming and moaning about forgetting the name of the Buggle's album* that contained the song "Video Killed the Radiostar"  that sets the perfect tone for leaving the Aughts... Plus, it's so shiny and colorful and let me yell at people when they could not identify the nickname of the movie character "Phil Dale" before the question was finished being read. You all know who Phil Dale is, right???????? Right??

*It was "The Age of Plastic"

Pleasure Rating:
How-do-you-not-know-who-Phil-Dale-is-right-out-of-the-box?-How-is-that-even-possible?-I-think-you-should-just-give-up-on-life-for-not-knowing-that.-80s-smack-talk-Courtasm!